Things really don't change much in 5 years I guess...

So it looks like I'll be leaving Boston in a foul mood. I left home that way five years ago to move out here. I guess some things never change.

However, there is a slight twist this time. When I left home I knew I'd see those friends again since we all had a parental homebase in Novato. This is not at all the case with my friends in Boston. I know I won't see 90% of them ever again.

I think the best part is that people say they care and I can just tell that they really don't. How do I know this? No one makes an effort and no one is actually sad about me going. Whatever. I've been alone in my apartment for the past 2 days.

I think I'm just going to flat out refuse to see anyone now and go on a "F-you Strike". No one calls me back. So, again, whatever.

Fuck people. I'm out of here in a few days. Good to know I kept true "friends" the past five years...

I must say I'm not terribly shocked. That may be the worst part-- not having any faith in the people you consider friends.

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, whats wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place."

Emo music + not taking my meds for three days = fun times.

Apartment's in LA will be the death of me...

I cannot handle the WAIT any longer!!!!!!!!

Uuuuuuugh. I should know by 4 today at the latest.

Christ.

Beauty in the Breakdown?

Psssssst... I can't remember what song that lyric is from....

I'm trying to get my life back on track. I realized how bad I've been to myself since I dated TTL. I've known this for a while and have attempted to make a change, but now I'm fully throwing myself into this big vat of fun called "Effort".

I've been taking my medication regularly. Now, to be fair, TTL always checked to make sure I was taking them, but I think that may be why I started being so careless with them. I don't like having someone mother me over something I'm already used to doing. My own mother does it. If anyone has a right to "mother me", it would be my mom. I'm a stubborn fool. I'll be the first to admit it.

I think it also has to do with the fact that everyday since I was diagnosed I have to take seven pills a day. Well, not seven right off the bat, but after a few months it got to that point.If I took full doses of Lamictal right out of the chute I'd probably be dead. Regardless, you would think that after almost four years of this daily routine that I would be so set in it, but nope, not the case at all. I'm sick of having to do it. I really hate taking pills to make me "normal". I don't see the difference, but apparently it's pretty obvious when I'm taking them and when I'm not.

The main difference I notice about being good about taking them is that
1.) I become the cheapest date ever and 2.) I sleep all day.

The sleeping all day thing will go away once by body re-adjusts, but the sucking at drinking thing will stay the same.

I guess it could be worse.

I'm working on other things too. I'm playing bass again. I'm starting to get back into my gym routine. I'm wearing some makeup again. I'm actually caring about doing my hair again (the weather change helps). I need to get ready to be somewhat professional when I get a job in LA. I can't roll into work fresh out of the shower with my hair wet and pulled up. Gross.

Discipline, Promo Homo. Discipline.

And if nothing else, I'm doing this for my own health. Mental heath, a given. Physical is what I'm worried about right now. I'm under extreme stress since I don't have a job lined up in LA yet and I am really hard on myself. My parents are worried I'm going to have a heart attack or have a brain aneurism. Them saying that in total honestly... scares the shit out of me. They get the worst of my freak outs since I don't like letting my friends into that part of my world fully.

SO... PILLS IT IS.

I don't take Lithium, which is what most Bipolar folks take, but I thought I'd post some lyrics about it. It strikes a chord. Especially the bolded parts:


"Lithium"-- Evanescence

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow
oh but God I want to let it go

come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show
never wanted it to be so cold
just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
drown my will to fly
here in the darkness I know myself
can't break free until I let it go
let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
anything is better than to be alone
and in the end I guess I had to fall
always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- stay in love with you
oh I'm gonna let it go


I've slept all day. I'm exhausted. I just took my pills. I'll be out cold again in a few.

Ew, enough with the moody post. The next will be more fun I swear. Maybe another jab at something like NAMBLA. Ha...

All this fuss over a sex toy?

So, I was going to post a mini-rant about the battle I constantly find myself having about where I stand with the website The Smoking Gun in general, when I saw an article that caught my eye.

What I had planned on writing about was how I find the website to be a good laugh occasionally, but how finding contract riders being published for the general public kind of irks me. The curious kid in me likes to read them, but the music business asshole in me thinks it is an invasion of artist privacy, and that whoever gave the rider away is morally corrupt. But I digress...

I was reading the news section and stumbled across this gem of an article. Now, if I'm totally off base by the end of this argument, I apologize.

First off, I think people who take advantage of children sexually (be it filming/photographing them for their own pleasure, selling said materials to people who get their rocks off on it, or doing the actual physically molestation part) are fucking sick. This is by our cultures standards of course. We have been raised to never think otherwise. In ancient Greek times for example, adult males and young boys having relations were a perfectly normal part of their daily life and society in their eyes. I'm not saying that makes a whole hell of a lot of difference, I just tend to ramble and spout off random facts that Im sure most people know to begin with.

Anyway, so I read this article and I'm sure it was meant to shock and appaul me (or in the very least make me laugh?), but the only thing I could think of was, "It's just a miniature version of the common blow-up doll". Sure, it was dressed in children's clothing and the girl doll was probably a little flat chested, but wouldn't you rather child molesters take it out on plastic dolls than real children?

So my question is: If no child involvement happened to create and distribute these dolls, is it actually a crime?

In this article the man had videos and other such things, which is why they got a warrant and searched his home in the first place. BUT hypothetically, what if the doll was the initial spark to start an investigation, would that be justifiable? I mean, what if s/he was into midgets? What if s/he couldn't afford a full-sized doll because of financial problems? What if this was his/her "travel sized" doll for business trips? The scenarios are endless.

Maybe I'm jaded from working at an adult store for two years. We did, afterall, have a 3 1/2 foot blow-up doll called "The Perfect Woman", which was a blow-up doll that could double as a place to set your beer when sitting in your favorite chair watching TV...

Note: This blog was inspired by both the "Cartman Joins NAMBLA" and "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy" South Park episodes... oh and from my Art History classes in college.



PS: When trying to find the website link for NAMBLA on Google, it gave me the homepage. I clicked on it to get the URL to put into HTML to link it to this blog (as seen above) and it was all numbers. IP address. Great. Now I'm probably in some government listing somewhere for going to that page. Don't worry, the link above is from Wikipedia.org instead. At least you will be safe.

Goddamnit.

100 Things: An Introduction

Well I suppose this may be a good way to introduce myself to the blogging community. I took it from my friend/ex-coworker's blog, who quite possibly has the most interesting blog I have ever had the priviledge of reading.

She wasn't a fan of doing this, I'm not either, but I can't sleep and I may as well get it over with. I'll see if there is a way for me to do some kind of blog-cut so it isn't super long. Read at your own risk!

100 Things About Me

1. I love the smell of car exahust in the morning.


2. I secretly want to train my cat Joshua to walk on a lease. I dont care how crazy it will make me look.


3. I'm a big hypocondriac.


4. I'm a germophobe.


5. I'm not as gay as everyone thinks I am.


6. Sometimes I wonder if the fear of penetration alone is my root.


7. I'm saddened by the fact that working for Epitaph Records has made me hate a label that I loved since childhood.


8. I love the smell of shoe stores. Oddly enough the cheaper the store, the better the smell (i.e. Payless Shoes).


9. I love how I've mentioned how things smell good twice already when I actually have the worst sense of smell ever...


10. I still have no idea where to put commas in a sentance.


11. I have had trichotillomania since I was about eight years old. It was after a beach trip and I had sand in my hair. I'm really ashamed of it, but you can't see the damage at all.


12. I can't orgasm fully. I get close and then freak out and can't let go.


13. ...I think this is because the first time I did orgasm I female ejaculated and it made a terrible mess. After that I only woud masterbate in the shower just in case. It hasn't happened since. Mental block like whoa.


14. I love how I worked at Condom World for about two years, yet I have never had experience with them. Irony at its best.


15. I used to be a model.


16. I won a sailboat race with my dad when I was eleven


17. I was in a small plane crash with my dad when I was twelve.


18. If I paint my nails they have to be black... and chipped. I can't deal with the black being solid.


19. I've considered taking up smoking or doing coke to lose weight. Not seriously though. Passing thoughts.


20. I bitch about my ex-girlfriend a lot, we'll call her The Thespian Lesbian (TTL for short), but we broke up long enough ago that I shouldn't anymore. I can't help it, but it makes me feel kind of pathetic when I do it.


21. I work as a production assistant/runner for Live Nation New England. I love it. I'm sad to leave.


22. I have three tattoos, but I consider them more like six becuase the left arm was done in a lot of stages.


23. I feel like no one likes me, or that I'm that friend people call when they run out of real friends to call or hang out with.


24. I feel like no one is going to read this.


25. I haven't smoked pot since May, not because of health reasons or anything like that, but becuase I was told I would have to take a pee test if I wanted to ever work a show (as a stagehand, blech) at The Garden. It hasn't happened, but now I'm worried I'll have to take one when I go to LA, so I'm waiting until I get a secure job before I start smoking again.


26. I deflect emotions.


27. I'm too easy to read if I'm upset. Not a fan of this quality.


28. I screen my phone calls, always.


29. I always have an away message up. I suppose I'm a big fan of screening my entire social life.


30. I have social anxiety and can't go out by myself sometimes.


31. I just took my lip ring out a few days ago. It feels weird. I hope it doesn't limit me with the ladies. haha.


32. I'm great in bed. There. I said it.


33. I have no sex drive, so as of the past month or so I've been trying to ignite that.


34. I have the most disgusting roomate and becuase of this I can't go into the kitchen or I'll puke. It's totally unfair.


35. I have a cat named Joshua who I have had almost a year (I got him in mid-Novemeber.


36. I cant ever tell if my sense of abandonment with friends is real, or if it's because of the bipolar thing.


37. I've had two boyfriends and one girlfriend. I feel guilty about the two boys becuase I treated then like shit. I thought I treated them like shit because of the gay thing, but in reality I was just scared if their junk.


38. My first boyfriend was also my first kiss I was 15 and he was 19 (ew?). We'll call him Sleezer Geezer (SG). I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him. He forced me to go to my one (and ONLY) formal. This is the last time I wore a dress. At Homecoming I was "the girl with the really hot boyfriend", so that was satisfying. So sleezy though. I broke up with him after the dance because I really had a bad feeling about going home with him after. Good choice... he's the reason my family got caller ID.


39. My second boyfriend, who I would consider my first *real* boyfriend because I actually liked him, I dated when I was 16. He was 15. So many problems with him having age insecurities. Annoying. Anyway, really hot, a skater, and a drummer. We'll call him Dreamy Skater Boy (DSB). I was the biggest bitch to him because I was afraid if I got too close I would end up having to sleep with him. So I treated him like shit until he broke up with me, which was SO hard to get him to do. HOWEVER, after we broke up I found out he cheated on me IN THE BEGINNING of the relationship aaaaand with a friend of mine. Everyone knew but me. It was a special time.


40. I didn't date for 5 years after DSC.


41. I hate nipple rings.


42. My girl number finally outweighs my boy number.


43. I graduated from Berklee College of Music.


44. I'm 5'11".


45. I have an irrational fear of mirrors. I have a hand mirror in my room and I make sure to cover it up with something at night.


46. I'm scared of ghosts.


47. I collect my working passes. I used to collect my dads when I was a kid, butnow I finally have my own collection.


48. I also used to collect Salt & Pepper shakers as a kid.


49. My dad has made me a guitar pick collection since I was a kid. After a show he just picks up ones that are left on the stage when they are cleaning up and put them in this box. I have like.... 200+ now.


50. My dad brought me home Gavin Rosdales towel once. Gross? I washed it really well and used it for track practice to clean my discuses when it was muddy out.


51. I have more basses than I know what to do with.


52. I've had the creeping feeling of wanting to date someone again, but I know I can't until I move and am physically happy with myself again.


53. I blame TTL for making me gain so much weight. She is the laziest person I know.


54. I have a personal trainer. She text messages me. The friend zone has been tapped into and it's weird.


55. I hate text messaging unless it is absoluetly needed.


56. No matter how many times I try, I can never spell the word Necessary correctly unless I spell check it. I avoid using it at all costs when I can get away with it (notice above statement where it has been bolded for an example).


57. I love sushi, but only eat the kind with vegitables or cooked shrimp. I don't do raw.


58. I always feel pressured to drink.


59. I like taking my friends out to dinner.


60. I hate traveling. I can't sit still for very long when en route.


61. I have a fear of toilets backing up thanks to Condom World.


62. I currently have no health insurance. I try to leave my house as little as possible becuase of this to avoid getting sick or tripping and breaking something.


63. I've been told that I'm so gay that I make other gay people feel gayer when they are around me. The reason explained to me is that I don't go out of my way to be gay. Way lost. If anyone can explain THAT to me you will get a cookie.


64. I love artichokes and will gladly make them for anyone who doesnt know how to eat them the way they are meant to be eaten (it is an artform).


65. I never learned how to shave with a real razor ( I use an electric razor -or- Veet). I feel like my mom didn't do her job in that department. If I learn now I'm gonna slice my legs up. An old dog can't learn new tricks.


66. Tampons = me crying.


67. I like to be dominated in bed, yet I'm too self-conscious about my body to fully enjoy it.


68. I really want to try Ecstacy. Just once.


69. My favorite drink, thanks to Nikki, is a Greatful Dead. Tasty.


70. I got a coat hanger stuck BEHIND my eye when I was three. I freaked out and yanked on it to get it out. I'm amazed that I have an eye and that I can see.


71. Every joint in my body is hyper extended. I'm learning to not to it with my knees after my PT pointed it out. My legs and ass are sore as a result.


72. Making out is quite possibly the most fun thing ever.


73. During the time I dated TTL I wasn't allowed to use my tongue when we kissed. She only likes to lip kiss. BORING.


74. I've only done one drunken make out with a total stranger, but now we are friends and hang out. Just my luck.


75. I think femme girls with a slight rock edge are super hot... and skater boys. Butch girls are a no-no.


76. Looking across the room and seeing my degree makes me feel weird and old.


77. When I'm hungry I never know when to eat. My body also sucks at letting me know when I have to pee. It likes to tell me at the last second when my bladder is about to explode.


78. I am flirting impared.


79. I have a fucked up knee that has needed to be fixed for 7 years.


80. I really, really like having money. I switched my major in college from performance to business once I learned that musicians make shit money even if they "make it".


81. I hate old people.


82. I HATE SNOW.


83. I normally have a nice tan. I've been almost see-through for the past 4 years because Boston has no sun.


84. My mom is totally crazy and my dad is a total asshole, but I love them both.


85. My hair has been almost every color in the rainbow.


86. I have a lot of music on my iTunes that I never listen to. I'm constantly shuffling.


87. I have a great sense of style, but you wouldn't know it by how I dress because I can't wear what I want to.


88. I have a cell phone problem. It's the only thing I'll impulsively buy when I want a new one, which is often.


89. I'm really scared of religious people.


90. I really admire my best friend, but she constantly compares herself to me and I hate it. She's really talented, funny, and smart and I hate that she can't see that.


91. I really want a dog and I love Corgis, but I don't know if I can get another one. I don't want to feel like I'm replacing Tucker.


92. The only time I'd *ever* wear a strap-on is if Kelly Clarkson wanted me to do her with one. No if's, and's, or but's about that one.


93. My laptop screen is bigger than my TV screen.


94. Speaking of my TV, it has the phrase "Cunt Box" drawn into the dust on the screen, courtesy of above mentioned best friend when she visited last.


95. I shave my forearms, usually.


96. I hate people who drink Smart Water. I want to kick them in the face for wasting money on WATER.


97. My glasses are ALWAYS broken.


98. If my SUNglasses ever broke I think I'd have a nervous breakdown.


99. I have an autographed headshot of Toby Keith. It was given to me by his label rep when I worked his show. I didn't want it, but I didn't want to be rude. I hate him. I have it up on my wall to freak people out.


100. I own Debbie Does Dallas on VHS.

I refuse to proof read that or spell check it. I'm sorry it just isn't going to happen. It took way to long to do... Oh man....

So fresh and so clean, clean.

Well, after having had an online journal in the same place for coming up on... five... years, I've decided that I'd like to move on to a new one. So here we go.

I would like to get some personal blogging issues off my chest, however:

• I'm a product of poor schooling. I'm aware of it and have tried to fix it the best I can. Grammar and spelling are not my friends, but Dictionary.com and Word are. They send their best.



• I'm actually a really good writer and I won awards for creative writing and all that nonsense in the past, but that never shows in my journal entries because I feel weird writing that way. I write the way I speak. Period.



• I am driven by ADD. Formatting and making entries that make sense are officially not allowed and are out the window in my blogs. I've been told my train of thought is like an airplane circling around an airport that is incapable of landing. Just an FYI.

I'm not sure what I have to write about yet.

I had a <insert sarcasm> pretty awesome day today. I <insert blatent lies> absolutely love Epitaph Records and totally didn't quit that job today. Oh, and <pinch of guilt> I slept all day and didn't go to the gym because of it.

Wonderful.

I'm going to go play with my kitty now. Meeeeeeow.

Oh, and by-the-by, I know maybe two people on this tops. I'm going to keep it that way. I'm sick of having to censor myself on my old journal because of ex's and unstable ex-friends being able to read it. I like the idea that my friend practices in her blog, using code names for folks, so if she doesn't mind I'll probably do that.

Maybe later I'll update about who I am? This is strange.

I'm going to go pimp this page out now

[Edit]: ... or not. This site + HTML - two hours of my night = me pimping this out at a later date.