Beauty in the Breakdown?

Psssssst... I can't remember what song that lyric is from....

I'm trying to get my life back on track. I realized how bad I've been to myself since I dated TTL. I've known this for a while and have attempted to make a change, but now I'm fully throwing myself into this big vat of fun called "Effort".

I've been taking my medication regularly. Now, to be fair, TTL always checked to make sure I was taking them, but I think that may be why I started being so careless with them. I don't like having someone mother me over something I'm already used to doing. My own mother does it. If anyone has a right to "mother me", it would be my mom. I'm a stubborn fool. I'll be the first to admit it.

I think it also has to do with the fact that everyday since I was diagnosed I have to take seven pills a day. Well, not seven right off the bat, but after a few months it got to that point.If I took full doses of Lamictal right out of the chute I'd probably be dead. Regardless, you would think that after almost four years of this daily routine that I would be so set in it, but nope, not the case at all. I'm sick of having to do it. I really hate taking pills to make me "normal". I don't see the difference, but apparently it's pretty obvious when I'm taking them and when I'm not.

The main difference I notice about being good about taking them is that
1.) I become the cheapest date ever and 2.) I sleep all day.

The sleeping all day thing will go away once by body re-adjusts, but the sucking at drinking thing will stay the same.

I guess it could be worse.

I'm working on other things too. I'm playing bass again. I'm starting to get back into my gym routine. I'm wearing some makeup again. I'm actually caring about doing my hair again (the weather change helps). I need to get ready to be somewhat professional when I get a job in LA. I can't roll into work fresh out of the shower with my hair wet and pulled up. Gross.

Discipline, Promo Homo. Discipline.

And if nothing else, I'm doing this for my own health. Mental heath, a given. Physical is what I'm worried about right now. I'm under extreme stress since I don't have a job lined up in LA yet and I am really hard on myself. My parents are worried I'm going to have a heart attack or have a brain aneurism. Them saying that in total honestly... scares the shit out of me. They get the worst of my freak outs since I don't like letting my friends into that part of my world fully.

SO... PILLS IT IS.

I don't take Lithium, which is what most Bipolar folks take, but I thought I'd post some lyrics about it. It strikes a chord. Especially the bolded parts:


"Lithium"-- Evanescence

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow
oh but God I want to let it go

come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show
never wanted it to be so cold
just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
drown my will to fly
here in the darkness I know myself
can't break free until I let it go
let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
anything is better than to be alone
and in the end I guess I had to fall
always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- stay in love with you
oh I'm gonna let it go


I've slept all day. I'm exhausted. I just took my pills. I'll be out cold again in a few.

Ew, enough with the moody post. The next will be more fun I swear. Maybe another jab at something like NAMBLA. Ha...